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		<title>A day of rest &lt;https://y.st./en/weblog/2017/07-July/30.xhtml&gt;</title>
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		<header>
			<h1>A day of rest</h1>
			<p>Day 00876: <time>Sunday, 2017 July 30</time></p>
		</header>
<section id="general">
	<h2>General news</h2>
	<p>
		Today was supposed to be a study day, along with tomorrow.
		However, I really needed a break.
		These constant emotional breakdowns really wear on me.
		I&apos;m hoping that this time, I&apos;m done with them for good.
		I&apos;ve reunited the halves of my mind, and for the most part, I&apos;ve stopped fighting what I am.
		Admittedly, I&apos;m trying to meet my own needs instead of trying to get a partner to do it for me, but hopefully that won&apos;t be enough of an issue to break me again.
		Once I&apos;ve recovered a bit, I should be incredibly stable emotionally, I think.
		However ... I have that errand to run tomorrow, on my only other day off from work before this week&apos;s coursework is due.
		After stopping at the University of Oregon in Eugene on bike, I&apos;ll need to come home and cram.
		Tomorrow won&apos;t be a fun day, that&apos;s for sure.
	</p>
	<p>
		My <a href="/a/canary.txt">canary</a> still sings the tune of freedom and transparency.
	</p>
</section>
<section id="mental">
	<h2>Mental health watch</h2>
	<p>
		A while back, I spelled &quot;ALEX YST IS A MUTANT FREAK WITH A HODGEPODGE BRAIN&quot; in refrigerator magnets, and at the time, seeing it spelled out brought me joy.
		Understanding I&apos;m a freak validated what I am, and explained why I don&apos;t feel the way others do.
		It was meant to be light-hearted and self-celebrating.
		After noticing the tear in my personality though, the the phrase &quot;MUTANT FREAK&quot; took a dark turn for me.
		I didn&apos;t realise it was a tear at first, and thought it was a natural duality.
		It brought me pain though, a lot of pain and confusion.
		I resented being the mutant freak that I am.
		I&apos;ve repaired the split, but the phrase &quot;MUTANT FREAK&quot; still seems tainted to me.
		It&apos;s no longer light-hearted, but instead, incredibly dark and self-deprecating.
		I&apos;ve replaced my former words with &quot;ALEX YST IS AGENDERED AND GAY&quot;, a more-specific description of my anomaly.
		I might not want to identify as a mutant freak ever again.
	</p>
	<p>
		I took a closer look at Lexi and Xander, my former halves, and I don&apos;t think they were what I thought they were.
		I thought Xander was the masculine one, but he never really showed any traits of masculinity.
		Instead, he was just overly-logical and cold.
		Lexi wasn&apos;t feminine as much as she was just emotional.
		She was the one able to feel both great joy and great sorrow, while Xander was mostly indifferent.
		I couldn&apos;t split my masculinity from my femininity because I have no masculinity, and likely have no real femininity.
		I am a neutral, and I need to avoid forgetting that.
	</p>
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